Everyone is gearing up for the Oscar nominations tomorrow and while everyone is already pretty much done with their 2012 film lists, I’m just now gearing up to do mine. The next couple of weeks will feature a number of silly little lists that recap what stuck out for me in the year in film.
Coming up with the ten worst posters of the year is a much more difficult task than picking my favorites. For one thing, there are heaps upon heaps of mediocre to terrible movie posters. It becomes challenging to sift through and separate the merely bad to the incomprehensibly terrible especially when bad posters need to make their impression in a split second as there’s a lot to sift through. Any of my choices could very easily be switched out and replaced with something equally worthy of a slot.
I feel like there was a lot more variety with my list last year and a lot less guffaw-worthy picks this year. My choices can be boiled down to trends of overstuffed clutter, dazed and confused faces stacked up next to each other, bland-as-bland-can-be and a general feeling of laziness.
What were your worst posters of the year? Since there are dozens of others as bad as the ten I chose, tell me what stuck out to you as the WORST.
There’s no order to these this year. I didn’t feel like there was a clear number one or two for that matter. So I just shuffled them arbitrarily for your viewing displeasure.
Wrath of the Titans
This Wrath of the Titans poster stands to represent the countless (thousands really) action-epic character posters each year. I chose this one because it managed to somehow ruin the Greek God beauty that is Edgar Ramirez. Look at that! Do you ‘Feel the Wrath’ when you look at his face? He looks like he’s taking a dump.
Someday This Pain Will Be Useful to You
What I hate-love about this poster is the way the title contrasts with the ensemble cast. Lucy Liu looks radiant and unaffected but everyone else looks skeptical. “Really?” they say. “Someday this pain will be useful to me? Really?” Nobody is convinced. Anything that says ‘from the producers of Life is Beautiful‘ is an automatic fail because fuck that noise. Random squares of faces on a poster is the standard trope of the ensemble indie drama and I unequivocally hate it. There must be a better way to advertise smaller ensemble dramas. I know the main selling point is the actors but there must be a better way.
Soldiers of FortuneAgain, it’s the faces that do it for me. On the one hand you’ve got James Cromwell, eyes like a hawk, roaring to go snipe some enemy folk. Then you’ve got….everyone else. With the mild exception of Ving Rhames aside, everyone else looks sooo bored. These actors are all contemplating the state of their careers and are coming up blank. “How did it come to this?”, as they half-heartedly shake their heads. These are Soldiers of Fortune? These are “the best” that the tagline refers to?
Stolen looks more like a Taken rip-off than Taken 2 was a Taken rip-off. It’s to be expected, but my God, have you no shame? Stolen is a synonym of Taken! It has the same color orange that was used for the most often seen posters for Taken and Taken 2. It is covered in text explicitly laying out in numbers and cold hard facts that this is the same plot as Taken. The one difference? Instead of Liam Neeson looking down, stoic and determined, we’ve got Nicolas Cage…running away from an upside down exploding car….
Think Like a Man
Let the mind games begin. Because women play mind games. None of the women are looking directly at the camera. All of the men are. Clearly a one-sided take on gender relations, this poster reads as a sympathy plea from the men. The women may be beautiful but the guys facial expressions read as “can you believe what I gotta deal with?” Indeed. I’m sure my issues would lie even more in the actual film than the poster which likely accurately represents the product.
The jizz is up you guys. The jizz is up. I’m beside myself with laughter. Again with the nondescript faces against nondescript backgrounds against an even more nondescript white poster. Are these supposed to be facial expressions of various surprise? A baby is coming! There is nothing appealing about this. I don’t see how it could make anyone interested in seeing it, even the Beerfest demographic.
Worst. Film. Title. Ever. Also one of the worst posters ever. What is this, 1999? This looks horrible. I’m pretty sure Keanu Reeves is not in the same generation as these nubile youngsters but fine. Sex, drugs and indecision. Sounds like a breath of fresh air, this film does. And AGAIN with the blank expressions. Yep, that looks to me like indecision. Life whizzes past them in a flurry of colorful flashes. I love Keanu’s ‘what are you looking at’ face. Great stuff.
The Trouble with Bliss
This must have been a really early poster because the title of this was changed and the subsequent posters, while not good, are nowhere near as embarrassing as this. That’s what this is; embarrassing. I could have done this. I seriously think I could have done this and I know nothing about nothing. That this was ever released as an official piece of advertising is just sad. I don’t care how low-budget you are. There’s enough people with enough skill who can work with next to nothing and come up with more than this. And I adore you Michael C. Hall but you look icky and grody. Brie Larson’s out-of-focus legs are making a better impression on me. I feel like I’m in a middle-aged slacker’s bedroom (not a good feeling)….which has a giant map in it…?
A Thousand Words
There’s no logic here. The film’s main poster was far from a winner, but this other one apparently exists. It’s a beyond lazy greatest hits splicing from the film’s various parts. He’s a family man! He helps the elderly! He’s helping a blind man cross the street! He’s kissing Kerry Washington’s forehead (she deserves so much better)! It’s got a two-part tagline that describes the plot and the point of the film in one go because you certainly can’t figure out what the hell is going on from the images. The font is unspeakably awful. There’s no structure. There isn’t even a border around the publicity stills. The poster literally is just a bunch of publicity stills. With Eddie Murphy doing his thing in the center.